Let's Talk! 25 Questions for Couples to Foster Intimacy
Photo by Timo Stern on Unsplash
“When communication is not good, it's easy to have wrong perceptions. One way to remove these wrong perceptions is to establish a dialogue. We can say, I want to make sure that I understand what you are saying. Questioning our perceptions and listening deeply without prejudice or judgment is a very strong practice."
From How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh
Two of the most common issues that bring couples to therapy are intimacy and communication concerns. It’s important we connect with our partners on a daily basis. We can build intimacy by engaging in loving and meaningful conversations with each other. As Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us, "listening deeply without prejudice or judgment is a very strong practice.”
In this exercise I invite you to practice speaking and listening from your heart. Try not to take what your partner is saying personally. Of course, it can feel personal but remember to seek understanding first. Pause before responding. Take a couple of centering and grounding breaths before sharing your thoughts and feelings. Once you feel calmer, ask clarifying questions such as, “so what I hear you saying is…is that correct?” Give your partner a chance to explain further. When we take the time to engage in mindful dialogue like this it helps prevent anger and other hurt feelings.
Watch out for these top 3 communication traps that fuel the flames of frustration:
Mind Reading: You think that your partner should know you better and anticipate your feelings. You don’t feel the need to explain yourself. You assume you know what they are thinking. When in doubt ask for clarification. Share your thoughts and feelings clearly. Don’t assume your partner knows what you want or don’t want. Plus, it’s okay to change your mind. Maybe your partner has too. Explore that together through loving dialogue.
Jumping to Conclusions: Don’t assume because something happened in the past it will happen again. Don’t finish your partner’s sentences. Let them finish their thoughts, and give them time to do so. Respect each other’s need for space and some privacy. For example, if your partner needs time to think about it give them the space to do so. Come back to the conversation later. Don’t communicate when you feel HALTS (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick). Take care your needs first then regroup to problem solve the issue together. Remember that you are not alone.
Interrupting: Give your partner a chance to complete their thoughts and sentences. Squeeze a stress ball if you have an urge to jump in right away. Listen with your full attention. Don’t think about your response before you’ve heard everything your partner is saying. Listen without judgment and paraphrase what you heard. With practice and time this will come naturally!
Below is a list of questions you can ask each other to help foster emotional connection:
Directions:
Pick a time when you won’t be interrupted and a space where you feel safe and comfortable. Ask each other these questions and listen without interrupting. Turn it into a date night! Put on some mood music and lighting if you would like. Most importantly, have fun!
Ground Rules:
Practice compassionate non-judgmental awareness when you are listening. If thoughts and feelings arise that take you away from this conversation, focus your attention back on the speaker. Ground yourself with a breathing practice (slow down your exhale - make the inhale match the exhale) or notice your feet on the floor. Ground yourself. Keep bringing your attention back to this moment.
Warm Up Questions:
Describe a memory of a fun time we shared together.
What do you most enjoy about our relationship?
What do you appreciate the most about me?
What is a fond memory you have of our wedding day or when we first started dating?
If we could go back in time, what experience would you want us to repeat together? Is there anything you would change about it?
What advice would you give yourself 10 years ago? Why?
What is the best advice you ever got? How have you applied it in your life?
Deeper Questions:
If you could change one thing about our relationship, what would it be and why?
What do you enjoy the most about our sex life?
What is one aspect of our sex life you’d like to improve upon?
What is a fantasy you have never told me about? (listen without judgment)
No pressure to act it out. Just talk about it and see what comes up. Feel free to ask if you need time to think about it.
What part of my body turns you on the most? Describe it.
What is something new you’d like us to try in bed together?
When did you realize that you were in love with me?
What’s the first thing you noticed about me when we met?
How did you describe me to your family and friends when we met?
Let’s dig deeper:
What do you value most in life & what makes it meaningful?
What life lessons do you hope to pass on to the next generation?
How have you grown as a person in the last 10 years?
What is one thing you can do to help our relationship grow stronger?
What is one thing I can do to help our relationship grow stronger?
What is something you learned about me since we got married (or started dating) that surprised you?
Describe an embarrassing moment in your life & how you handled it.
Describe something you’ve achieved that makes you feel proud.
What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever made? How did it turn out? What did you learn from that experience?
Afterwards: Journal on what this activity was like for you.
What difficulties did you experience, if any?
What was helpful about this exercise?
What did you learn about yourself?
What did you learn about your partner?
What other questions do you want to ask?